Important details:

  • The new deadline is Thursday, October 27th at 11:59 PM Eastern.
  • I will reveal the final lineup and draw at random the first film to be reviewed LIVE.
  • Sorry I look like a potato. There is a strike happening at my university (which explains the blue button) and I’m getting stir crazy what with the lack of classes and all.
  • I forgot how much I love Green Day…. like, I love them so much.

Remembering Gene Wilder

I loathe writing these posts with every ounce of my being, and this year I’ve had to write way too many.

I am saddened to learn that Gene Wilder, the beloved star of comedy classics like Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, and Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory passed away today at the age of 83 due to complication’s from Alzheimer’s.

I’ve always admired Gene Wilder from the first time I saw Willy Wonka as a kid, to the many times I’ve watched Blazing Saddles as an adult. He brought gravitas to the comedic acting that made him so unique and timeless.

The fact Wilder had Alzheimer’s came as a surprise to me, but is still heartbreaking. I lost my grandmother to the disease about a year ago. It is a terrible illness, and I feel so sorry for his family.

Thank you, Gene, for taking us to a world of pure imagination time and time again.

It’s My Birthday Today!


I’m 22. It was either going to be this or Taylor Swift, but I like cats infinitely more.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for your support and camaraderie over the last two-plus years. I know things don’t always go as planned. I’ve had many empty reviews publish and haven’t been able to bring myself to write at times, because if I may be honest, simply writing reviews has become rather boring.

Don’t fret, that doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere.

In fact, I am working to expand my brand! I realized how much I enjoy making videos, so I’m starting to build a presence on YouTube. I’m launching a review show titled The Hollywood Hellion set to debut in September. I will have to spend much more time scripting and outlining what I will say because my speaking skills are very “umm-like-uhhhh.” It’s embarrassing but I promise I will work on speaking with conviction.

In addition, I am revamping my Patreon page. I found that no one is going to pay me for meager blog posts, so I will adjust pledge prices and perks accordingly.

Wish me luck!


If you really want to make me happy on my birthday, tell me which pieces of cinematic sludge you want to see me tackle for Nopevember 2016: Election Year! All you need is a Google sign-in, and you have until September 15th at 11:59 PM EST. After that, round two begins!

And yes, all the Nopevember reviews going to be in a video format this year!

The Darkness

2016, Directed by Greg McLean
Written by Autism Speaks (you can’t convince me that this isn’t a propaganda film made by them)
Starring: Kevin Bacon, Radha Mitchell, David Mazouz

A family returns from a Grand Canyon vacation, haunted by an ancient supernatural entity they unknowingly awakened and engages them in a fight for their survival.

I am 21 years old (in fact, I will be 22 on Sunday.) In my lifetime, I have seen over a thousand movies. I’ve seen God knows how many terrible, awful pieces of celluloid garbage across all genres from all eras.

I can say with pure embarrassment and shame that this is the worst horror film I have ever seen. Not only that, but it immediately cemented its place in the 10 worst films of any genre I have ever seen.

“But Carly, I thought you said The Devil Inside is the worst hor–“

Nope. The Devil Inside isn’t a full movie. Doesn’t count.

The Darkness is completely unoriginal, unexciting, and utterly offensive. It was only 92 minutes long yet it felt endless. I hated every moment of it, and not just because of its lack of effort.

Troubles abound in the Taylor family: the father Peter (Kevin Bacon) is unfaithful, his wife Bronny (Radha Mitchell) has a drinking problem, daughter Stephanie (Lucy Fry) suffers from bulimia, and son Mikey (David Mazouz) is autistic.

The Taylors just returned from a long weekend in the Grand Canyon when Mikey brings home some rocks he found in the Canyon, and strange things begin to happen inside the house that happened in Poltergeist. And Insidious. And The Conjuring. And The Amityville Horror. And Oh, God! You Devil.

Face it. It serves no purpose other than to remind you that you could be watching something so much better.

There is nothing about the actual story that is scary, but there is so much about the film that is incredibly insulting, such as exploiting and stigmatizing Native American culture. But that isn’t even the worst part.

I may have written about this before, but I have Asperger’s Syndrome (a milder form of Autism.) I was diagnosed when I was five, and while I’ve mostly overcome the disorder, I still have some strange “quirks.”

Nevertheless, growing up with the condition was incredibly difficult. I struggled to fit in with my peers, was teased and mocked relentlessly, and felt like a huge waste of space. Worse, autism was treated like some horrible death sentence by kids my age. I once overheard a girl say “If my kid got autism, I’d kill myself.”

Mikey, the son, has Autism. He doesn’t talk a lot and keeps very much to himself. Doesn’t sound too bad, but the treatment of Autism in this movie is appalling. Whenever weird stuff happens in the house, Mikey is the scapegoat. He is treated like a burden from start to finish. In one scene, Peter even googles the link between Autism and the paranormal, implying that us people with Autism are scary freaks of nature.

I don’t even have any words for that, so…

A better explanation can be found on Letterboxd.

People gave Me Before You flak for being insensitive and painting people with disabilities as a burden to society that must be eradicated, but that was the more widely seen movie. If no one affected by Autism is going to be outraged by The Darkness, I’ll do it.

Remember Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which virtually blamed 9/11 on Autism? The Darkness makes me appreciate that movie a little more.

The fact that it’s a poisonous, vomit-inducing feature-length edition of the controversial “I Am Autism” commercial only exacerbates the fact that it’s a wholly derivative “greatest hits” compilation of better horror movies, with the third act nearly plagiarizing Poltergeist.

The cast is great, of course, but did they lose a bet? Could they really not find better work than this rubbish? Kevin Bacon appeared in another horror film I hate with every ounce of my soul, Hollow Man. It’s disgustingly misogynistic and mean-spirited, but at least Hollow Man was well made and actually felt like a movie put out by human beings.

Kevin, I love you, we all love you… do us a favor and fire your agent.

Radha Mitchell also does herself no favors by appearing in this crap. And she appeared in the Silent Hill movie, which I was indifferent about at best.

Nothing MST3K could dig up, no turd that Uwe Boll or Eli Roth could squeeze out, no crappy film among the grosses of crappy films spotlighted by my favorite movie reviewers, no Oscar bait that clumsily deals with autism can compare to this wretched pile of garbage.

This infuriated me like no other film. People with autism and other disabilities have a hard enough time in the world. We don’t need stuff like this ostracizing them from society even further. Especially not in 2016.

If you’re going to watch The Darkness, watch this instead.


1h 32m, Rated PG-13 for for thematic elements, some disturbing violence, brief sensuality and language.
Studio: Hightop Releasing 

Let the Hate Mail Begin.


I’d like to thank Wendell at Dell on Movies for hosting and Brittani at Rambling Film for tweeting about it and getting my attention.

So, what is this all about? It’s basically the answers to two very simple yet very complicated questions:

1. Pick one movie that “everyone” loves (the more iconic, the better). That movie must have a score of at least 75% on Tell us why you hate it.

2. Pick one movie that “everyone” hates (the more notorious, the better). That movie must have a score of less than 35% on Tell us why you love it.

First, a movie I hate that everyone else loves.

The Lobster


Screen Shot 2016-08-21 at 11.01.06 AM

Yeah, you heard me. I didn’t like The Lobster. Shoot me.

Here’s the thing, though: I wanted to like it. It has a great cast, an interesting and clever concept, and loads of critical acclaim. Where could it go wrong?

If you’ve never heard of The Lobster, it’s basically about a not-too-distant future where finding a partner is mandatory. Single people are sent to live in a hotel for 45 days so they can find a mate. Should they fail, they will be turned into animals.

I respect that it’s an extremely well-made film. It’s directed masterfully by Yorgos Lanthimos and captures the breathtaking Irish countryside, but it simply did not connect with me on any level.

The characters are incredibly bland and the dialogue is ostentatious, and it’s horribly mean-spirited with a problematic message. It reminded me of my often difficult experiences growing up, where if you didn’t have someone, you were no one. I didn’t need a film to remind me that I’m “fundamentally lacking” and might die alone.

Perhaps the most baffling thing about The Lobster is that it’s consistently labeled a “dark comedy” when there isn’t even a shred of humor to be found.  How am I supposed to laugh at John C. Reilly getting his fingers shoved into a toaster as punishment for infracting the rules? Or a woman loudly dying on the sidewalk while Colin Farrell says “I hope she dies so I don’t have to hear her screaming?” Or big bad Léa Seydoux blinding a woman for falling in love?

Can we please stop calling movies that aren’t funny “comedies?”
Blazing Saddles is funny.
Caddyshack is funny.
The Big Lebowski is funny.
Even The Martian is funny compared to this.

I can see where it might be satirical, but The Lobster isn’t funny. It’s morbidly depressing and deeply disturbing. This is the kind of movie Wes Anderson would make if he were placed on suicide watch.

Pardon my language but what pisses me off the most isn’t even about the film, but the potential backlash I’m guaranteed to receive. Nothing, absolutely nothing, angers me more than uppity film snobs who say things like “You’re just too stupid to understand (insert title here), please stick to watching mass-produced garbage like Star Wars.”

First of all, I love Star Wars you pompous jerk!

Second, I’m not stupid. I understand and appreciate dark humor and will not stick to “lowest common denominator” entertainment to satisfy you.

All in all, extremely disappointed and the overwhelming love this movie gets is a mystery.

and now, another film I love that everyone else hates.

End of Days


Screen Shot 2016-08-21 at 2.41.27 PM

Tank Girl’s RT rating was above the 35% cutoff set forth by Wendell, so it boiled down to either this or the horribly misunderstood Nicolas Cage thriller 8MM. I ultimately went with this beautiful disaster, from the director of 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

Where to begin with this hot mess? It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger (in a role meant for Tom Cruise) as an atheist cop — and by atheist, I mean he is a former Christian who’s angry with God —  and Gabriel Byrne as a nameless Wall Street schmuck who gets possessed by Satan.

Ahnuld vs. Satan… sounds like a winning combo, right? Wrong. We’re treated to a creepy albino with even creepier hair taunting Robin Tunney on the subway, a horribly CGI’ed satanic orgy where Satan’s lower half completely disappears, and religious symbolism with all the subtlety of a dropped piano.

This action-thriller is about Christine York (Robin Tunney) who is the “Chosen One.” How do we know this? Her name is literally “Christ in New York!”


Courtesy of Phelous

According to the prophecy, she is to give birth to the Antichrist, so newly possessed Gabriel Byrne spends the whole movie tracking her down so he can “spill his seed.”

Enter Ahnuld, who is sent to protect Christine from such a terrible fate. Aaaaaand hilarity ensues. Ahnuld yells and shoots his way through the film, Byrne seduces women, and Tunney has absolutely no idea what is happening.

I must say, however, it does have some genuinely upsetting scenes and a fairly downbeat ending, but so did The Room.

It’s heartbreaking that so few people know about this Schwarzenegger movie. Everything about it is bad, but it makes for a truly hilarious viewing experience. The more people gathered and more alcohol imbibed, the better it gets.